Living with a Wounded Mind
Humans are born healthy both mentally and physically. Around three or four is when the first wounds in the emotional body start to appear and poison the human body. If you observe children, they play, laugh, and are happy all the time. When something happens, they react and move on. They live in the moment. As children, we are innocent and not afraid to love. However, what has happened to all of us?
The fear of not being worthy of love became a fear that lived in me. I rejected others before they rejected me. The anxiety of not being good enough was the dream I projected to the world. And consequently, this is how others treated me.
We project the image that society wants us to be. This projection begins the pretending. We learn to pretend to be what we are not and practice being what others want to feel.
All humans are mentally sick. We live in a world, akin to a mental hospital. Because we live in the world, the mind is sick with fear. This fear fills the emotional body until the pain becomes unbearable. Someone says a word and it hurts and you retaliate.
There is jealousy, hate, and discrimination. Soon the mind cannot cope with the mental illness, so it begins to break down. The result is schizophrenia, paranoia, psychosis. This mental breakdown causes diseases when we are so frightened, and the wounds are so painful that it is better to break contact with the outside world.
I felt victimized by the men in life. A situation happened when I was about seventeen. One night I was in the car with my daughter’s father. He was physically abusive. We were in the middle of a fight. I feigned I was out of it. I think I consciously left my body because I did not want to face the physical pain. I played possum. He ran inside to get my mother. I believe he was genuinely concerned for me. My mother opened the car door and called my name. I did not answer. I got out of the car and walked into the house. I do not think I came back to my body. I just lived in a shell.
That night I left my body and consequently, I never showed up in a relationship as an authentic person. Each relationship that ended my anger and rage grew strong until it was so strong that it began to break down my body.
I lived in constant fear of being hurt both emotionally and physical, so I created a wall around my heart and would not let anyone see the real me the one who was afraid. On the outside, I appeared strong. I did not let my emotions show. I joined the military to prove my strength. I made the maximum score which was three hundred on the Physical Training (PT) part of Army Basic Camp.