Living with a Wounded Mind
Humans are born healthy both mentally and physically. Around three or four is when the first wounds in the emotional body start to appear and poison the human body. If you observe children, they play, laugh, and are happy all the time. When something happens, they react and move on. They live in the moment. As children, we are innocent and not afraid to love. However, what has happened to all of us?
The fear of not being worthy of love became a fear that lived in me. I rejected others before they rejected me. The anxiety of not being good enough was the dream I projected to the world. And consequently, this is how others treated me.
We project the image that society wants us to be. This projection begins the pretending. We learn to pretend to be what we are not and practice being what others want to feel.
All humans are mentally sick. We live in a world, akin to a mental hospital. Because we live in the world, the mind is sick with fear. This fear fills the emotional body until the pain becomes unbearable. Someone says a word and it hurts and you retaliate.
There is jealousy, hate, and discrimination. Soon the mind cannot cope with the mental illness, so it begins to break down. The result is schizophrenia, paranoia, psychosis. This mental breakdown causes diseases when we are so frightened, and the wounds are so painful that it is better to break contact with the outside world.
I felt victimized by the men in life. A situation happened when I was about seventeen. One night I was in the car with my daughter’s father. He was physically abusive. We were in the middle of a fight. I feigned I was out of it. I think I consciously left my body because I did not want to face the physical pain. I played possum. He ran inside to get my mother. I believe he was genuinely concerned for me. My mother opened the car door and called my name. I did not answer. I got out of the car and walked into the house. I do not think I came back to my body. I just lived in a shell.
That night I left my body and consequently, I never showed up in a relationship as an authentic person. Each relationship that ended my anger and rage grew strong until it was so strong that it began to break down my body.
I lived in constant fear of being hurt both emotionally and physical, so I created a wall around my heart and would not let anyone see the real me the one who was afraid. On the outside, I appeared strong. I did not let my emotions show. I joined the military to prove my strength. I made the maximum score which was three hundred on the Physical Training (PT) part of Army Basic Camp.
A Quest for Understanding
1982 began my quest to understand my life and the world in which I lived. I journeyed to Paris, Hawaii, Virginia and Washington D.C. and back to the inner realm of my life. Life was a mystery that I wanted to unravel. My mind is an inquisitive nature that seeks to understand.
The biggest discovery thusfar has been the power of the human mind to reconstruct life. I am a student of Psychology and just recently Buddhist Psychology, which explains the nature of the mind. I have come to believe that the Mind contains all the knowledge of all time. It is like a reservoir.
We as humans have created the internet to resemble this mind. At any time, I can pose a question, and have it answered. All the information I may need is at my fingertips.
There was this gnawing feeling inside of me. I wondered why I acted the way I did. A Psychology class opened the window to my mind and heart, and I found a lacking. A lacking for love and a lacking for genuine relationships which caused me to seek out attention in unhealthy ways.
I identified with the problems in my life. Was I crazy? I wondered what was wrong with me. I tried to uncover the source of my suffering. I did not know what it was, so I invented something. I was depressed. I had Anxiety. I had Anger Issue. There were many negative labels I attached to myself because I did not know who I was. Thirty years later that quest has led me to the internet and the boundless array of information that I can consume and quench my thirst for understanding.
Uncovering a Big Secret
There was a big secret, and I wanted to find out what it was. The secret lay buried in my life. It was the secret about who I was and what I was here to do. I saw glimpses of a life I desired. The images seeped out into my daily life. I was confused and held self-doubt about what I was capable of. I did not fully believe in myself and consequently I lived in fear and self-doubt.
I was a Black Woman in a male, white Christian society. When I looked in the mirror, a Black Woman was the reflection I saw. I must be wrong if they were right, so there must have been something wrong with me.
That Black Woman, who one Summer decided to sign up for Army R.O.T.C. to prove her worth. If I could do what the white man did, I must be as good as him. I watched one supervisor at work and figured if I dressed like him then I would be a part of the work environment. It did not work; management terminated me from this job. I was a loner, a thinker and a reader, who tried to find out who and what she was.
Non-Feance is Failure in doing; especially that which is essential for Happiness & Emotional Well-Being.
“If you bring forth what is within you,”
“What is within you will save you.”
“If you do not bring forth what is within,”
“What is within you will destroy you.”
My Young Life
My father always said, “obedience is better than sacrifice.” I never knew what he meant. But today I know that every one of us have come to earth to fulfill a mission and if we fail to satisfy it then our lives will experience unrest. It’s like living life aimlessly, going to work, coming home only to do it again without any significant purpose.
Most of my young life I lived under the protective arms of my father and mother. They took care of my basic needs. I learned to depend on them. I never questioned their intentions or the intents of the adults around me. I believed in the Bible and its’ teachings and the Church as the living embodiment of all that is good. I never thought much about my life. I just lived and followed the direction of the adults around me.
Growing up and going away to college brought freedom from the scrutiny of my parents. I started to feel as if something was not quite right. I enrolled at the local Community College and my eyes began to inquire into the meaning of God and Life.
In a Philosophy class, the college professor posed a question. He asked what would change your perspective about life. My answer was. What if there was no God? To be continued.
|Seven-Step Inner Transformation: Practices that awakens a different source of power from within.|
|With the goal of bringing forth new possibilities and those things your heart yearns for most.|
Part V Ways of the Feminine
Arouse your feminine essence.
Feel centered, open and attractive
From your lower body
Which is weighted
And connected to the earth.
This is the power of the feminine essence.
Move away from masculine energy.
With upper body movements
Shoulder gestures which are Hard, rigid and directive.
The female energy point…
Is the center of the pelvis the
“womb space and down the legs.”
Activate the energy in your hip movement,
Soften your heart and send love
Journal Activity: Respond to the Poem and chapter; create a poem and written or verbal response to the chapter. Post this on my Facebook page.
Part IV Sources of Feminine Power
Do you want for something more? Are you restless? Does anxiety seem to take control of your mind? Do you wonder what is happening? You are awakening to the possibilities of having much more. You are not sure what is happening, but you want more than what you have now.
The gap between who we are and the ability to realize your full potential is within your reach. By looking at your feminine essence as a new source of feminine power, you can begin to close the fissure between men and women and discover your full feminine power.
When you awaken to your feminine power you can begin to co-create with life. The belief you have in yourself will grow stronger and the contribution you give to the world will give you purpose and selfconfidence.
The power you seek is inside of you. Access this power and move past personal patterns. When you learn how to access your feminine power, you will begin to see the world differently and live life from an expanded view.
First, you will learn how you can access this power. Secondly, you will discover a loving relationship with yourself then with others and lastly you will understand how to create and cultivate an alternative power source.
Power is about evolving beyond beliefs and your world-view. Mindfulness training will liberate you from old patterns and the inner glass ceiling. It will be taught during the Mindfulness Training in Step four.
You will learn how to look at your thoughts and watch them without attaching and labeling them as (mine). Your emotions will no longer be an issue as you learn the nature and patterns of your behavior and liberate yourself from them.
Mindfulness will lead to a break through to the other side where you will find freedom, and your real self. As you shift the beliefs you have about yourself and learn the power of relatedness, you become the person you were always looking for. Become a loving mentor to your younger self and clearly see a new way of showing up.
Another aspect of power is in co-creating with life. Learn how to cultivate a positive relationship with the energy and intelligence of the Universe. We women yearn to realize our highest destiny and utilize our gifts and talents in the pursuit of life where we can experience its’ fullness. When you unleash your voice in the world, you will be able to navigate to a future that does not exist. Even though you do not know what it looks like, faith will bring the confidence that is needed.
When you make a shift from your goals and focus on creating results and step into a full partnership with life, power will well up from the depths of your life. This is how your deeper desires will be unleashed. Faith will give you the courage to take the risk, and even though you do not know how everything is going to turn out you will trust in life.
Part III Sources of Female Leadership
First, Feminine Leaders, to fulfill your role properly, would do well to embody the best qualities represented by at least one of the following archetypes. Archetypes are, by their very nature, universal and eternal. They are based on rational forms of thought, and if we accept the idea of a collective consciousness as an image for a deep cultural foundation common to Humanity, then they are universal—hence their power to move, to affect and influence. The archetypes are practical because they provide us with a natural way to understand the essence of a group of traits that connect directly with the unconscious mind.
These archetypes provide both spiritual and emotional pictures that immediately connect with individuals and groups. It is a better way to grasp a feminine model of leadership instead of relying on intellectual analysis of individual attributes.
I will borrow Carl Jung’s archetypes for female leadership. He distinguished himself from noted Psychologist at the time. He recognized the presence and meaning of the personality —which earlier thinkers have called the spirit. Jung recognized and valued those aspects of a person’s whole being.
Jung accepted the spiritual dimension. He knew it was a way to understand the character and the complex system of beliefs, attributes, and virtues that make up a person. If we are to understand leadership as a character trait, then it too becomes amenable that we assign it a more spiritual understanding.
Jung’s concept of the archetypes arises from the repeated observation he made, for instance, of the myths and fairytales of world literature. The literature contained definite themes that cropped up everywhere. We often see the same themes in fantasies, dreams and delusion of individuals living today.
Leadership is an elusive subject not easily recognized because there are complex qualities in the actions of others that elude easy categorization or analysis.
In ancient times “natural leaders”, were persons who possessed the ability to motivate and direct others. Ancient leaders assumed the role of leader at birth or rose to the province. If the person happened to be of weak leadership ability, training would compensate for the weakness in leadership ability. Culture became more complex and social roles followed. Leadership roles have mainly become increasingly “gendered” to reflect social realities.
Paths for Girls and Young Women (The Faerie)
If the Prince develops through the path of the warrior, the princess develops through the path of the Faerie. If you are to evolve to your fullness, you must earn your Queen-ship through a path that involves trial and suffering as the way to experience and maturity. It is the path to Queen Ship.
The Faerie is a symbol of all that is fair and beautiful, all that transcends material existence. She produces poetry, music, and history. The Faerie virtues are intangible and ethereal. At times, they can seem self-sacrificial. Just as if the warrior appears most fully when he gives himself over to death in an act of self-denial, the Faerie seems most complete when she denies herself intercourse with men. This is the source of her power. She places herself outside of any man’s power. Thus, the Faerie can inspire and attract.
An example of Faerie to Queen is Ester in the Bible. Ester agreed to marry Xerces King of Persia, as a possible mate for the sake of her people. The people selected her to be the new Queen. Since she does not marry for love, but rather for duty, she is free of passionate attachments and partakes of the Faerie.
She embraces an unrestrained life force of Eros or pleasure in life itself. This archetype is lifeaffirming and creative; one known modern example is (Beyoncé). She shuns order, sacrifice, and rational knowledge. She is not easily resolved with the orderly world of Queen. She poses a problem in the context of leadership because she is a with a man.
There were many lovers in my life. I thought I could have their power. My husband labeled me as insatiable. This feeling was akin to a hunger that could never be quite satisfied. I wanted to be lost in the sexual passion and lose myself inside of this man, become one with him and absorb the power I thought he had.
(The Wise One)
Another path to Queen Ship leads through the archetype of the Wise One. The Wise One lives in the shadows. She is at home near the earth, even inside the earth, inside the dark, moist primordial womb; she is at home on the land. The Wise One is no longer young. She is mature, rooted, and likely to be old. She is a Mother or likely a Grand-Mother. She has been a companion to male, she may have even loved a man, but she now transcends all that. She has reached a state of superior wisdom.
Her subtle mind seeks not to penetrate beneath the surface of things and probe the mysteries of nature; rather she looks inward into the mysteries of being alive. This earthly knowledge extends to the body more specifically the distinct realities of the female body. The male does not understand this type of woman. She is not under his control. Thus, during the time of the Inquisition, men in power labeled these women as witches and killed them.
It is natural for the Wise-One to seek separation from her sisters who toil in the world. Her quest for unique knowledge requires long hours of solitude for study and reflection. The Wise One becomes a Seer or an Advisor. She may rise to be Queen becoming, “The Wise Queen. “Historically the Queen of Sheba and her counterpoint Solomon fit in this category. The most powerful and inspiring of the archetype of the Wise One is the mystical Figure of Sophia—The Rise of Sophia as the symbol of Divine Wisdom.
The Lover is suspicious of the knowledge of the Wise One because The Wise One has transcended the Lover phase. The Lover seeks to empty herself out and merge or become the beloved. The Female Lover gains the tremendous power of transcendence, but she is subjected to “the other” and, therefore, lacks freedom of the other archetypes. This is her power and limitation.
I too myself have lived a life of solitude. When I was young, it was a source of suffering. A friend drew the conclusion when asked where I had been. My time spent was with a man. Now I understood the power of the Lover in her quest for power which I will allude to later. Female leaders, to fulfill the role properly, would do well to embody the best qualities represented by at least one of the mature feminine archetypes.
Part II Black Woman’s Role in Life and Her Motivation for Living
Akin to West African Folklore, stories express the lifeblood of a culture and the roles men and women play in society. This is important for the essential nature of culture to survive. It teaches the values and morals of a group. This Module will deliver the discourse through Poetry and Talk.
Black Women, we are heirs to a legacy of Black Art. It espouses self-determination, self-reliance, self-respect, self-defense and true self-consciousness as a means for empowerment. Black becomes an identity in the search for meaning and purpose.
Black Women, we must become visible in the world.
We are the ones who must validate our own self-worth, existence and care about womanist values. The Black Woman must heal herself first and conduct self-therapy that documents her suffering and makes it accessible to others.
We Women are the very foundation of society. When we stand, the whole of Humanity will rise. The earth needs both masculine and feminine power. Even though the male and female are not clearly defined, both are required for life to exist.
There is a greater need for Black Women to adopt a womanist perspective for the future of ourselves, our children and the world. A collective story that honors the story and life of Black Women and the world we live in. You can write your own story. You are the author, director, and lead in the starring role.
Part I Align With Your Feminine Power
The Feminine Aspect of Life cannot be controlled; Discover the True Essence of the Black Woman
Cultural Womanism is an idea about how we Black Women can fashion a new language from our experience. We must learn to value and validate our own life through writing and telling stories. One never arrives but always strives to construct a life that expresses a True Self.
Because of the double weight, we women must bear, we have yet to fully mature into our full womanhood. The load we carry draws us away from understanding the collective story of women in society. We take care of the family and face discrimination in the workplace. We have not recognized our collective struggle or victory, and this has hardened and disempowered the Woman.
We women, have power, but it is gentle and sprinkled with love, compassion, and courage. Most women have not had the temperament to thrive and manifest a full womanhood. We needed to survive, but let us do more that survive, let us thrive.
Furthermore, we women have lived through the masculine form and accomplished some amazing things. But what is truly required of women in the Twenty-First Century will take courage, compassion and feminine strength.
Become a powerful woman who is entirely confident in herself and can serve as a role model would reflect on more modest attributes of the Queen. Ideally, all women in “leadership positions” would also, largely embody the Ideal Queen.
Recognize that real feminine power lies not in anger and destruction but in self-knowledge, selfreflection, understanding, and transformation. We females can heal our mind and body as we discover a source of power from within.