The other night while driving home from Sea World, with my daughter in the passenger seat and four grands in the back a feeling overcame me and wanted to drag me under.
It was like swimming on the surface of the ocean as wave upon wave tossed and pulled me under. I allowed the wave to smash into me and felt the full power and grasped for a quick breath.
But first, back to the reason I was driving at night. I didn’t sleep well and I even wanted to stay in bed. But it was Camden and Grey’s Sixth birthday celebration. So I agreed
With coffee in my system and a warm shower on my face, I changed my frame of mind and looked forward to the day.
My daughter drove. Even though I am a morning person and would have preferred to drive first. The drive home was decided for me.
As I walked into my daughters bedroom a few hours before we were to leave Cailin replied. “Let Mumsil drive. “ Keshia in a matter of fact stated, I’ll drive in the morning, Mother will drive us home.
Sea World was a wonderful experience. I felt like a little girl as Rylie, Cailin and myself rode the coasters and screamed our heads off.
After a day long adventure I got behind the driver seat and began to drive home.
As I merged onto the ramp darkness began to surround me. I looked at the oncoming bright lights and started to shiver.
Anxiety gripped my mind. Suddenly I did not think I could navigate successful on the highway. I thought I would crash.
Irrational thoughts flooded my mind. I’m not sure where they came from. I’ve driven a car on the highways at night many times before.
I grabbed the steering wheel, sat up straight and looked over at my daughter. Just ten minutes earlier she asked if I was ok.
Feeling a little shaky, but told her everything was ok. Not wanting her to assume the heavy burden of driving to and from Sea World.
I finally relented and told her of the feelings that were vying for control.
I pulled off the freeway and turned the wheel over to her. My mind began to process the swirling feelings that had spun out of control.
There were many challenges facing me. I felt most of them were out of my control. No longer feeling the pressure of driving I started to talk. This was a sweet release. I emptied my belly of the stress. After that, we rode home in silence.
Sleeping late the next day, I had a full day to rest. The house was quiet. A dark moment to mediate. I realize that the constant emotion of anxiety had resurfaced.
When I feel I have no control over the situations in my life anxiety raises its head. The difference now I can process the feelings, see the truth of the situation, realize what I can control and let go of expectations, be at peace and release the feeling, like looking at a friend walk away, waving till she’s out of sight.
That powerful sentiment I received yesterday. A gift from the universe that was bestowed upon me. I graciously accepted and released the emotion not calling it my own.