A Quest for Understanding
1982 began my quest to understand my life and the world in which I lived. I journeyed to Paris, Hawaii, Virginia and Washington D.C. and back to the inner realm of my life. Life was a mystery that I wanted to unravel. My mind is an inquisitive nature that seeks to understand.
The biggest discovery thusfar has been the power of the human mind to reconstruct life. I am a student of Psychology and just recently Buddhist Psychology, which explains the nature of the mind. I have come to believe that the Mind contains all the knowledge of all time. It is like a reservoir.
We as humans have created the internet to resemble this mind. At any time, I can pose a question, and have it answered. All the information I may need is at my fingertips.
There was this gnawing feeling inside of me. I wondered why I acted the way I did. A Psychology class opened the window to my mind and heart, and I found a lacking. A lacking for love and a lacking for genuine relationships which caused me to seek out attention in unhealthy ways.
I identified with the problems in my life. Was I crazy? I wondered what was wrong with me. I tried to uncover the source of my suffering. I did not know what it was, so I invented something. I was depressed. I had Anxiety. I had Anger Issue. There were many negative labels I attached to myself because I did not know who I was. Thirty years later that quest has led me to the internet and the boundless array of information that I can consume and quench my thirst for understanding.
Uncovering a Big Secret
There was a big secret, and I wanted to find out what it was. The secret lay buried in my life. It was the secret about who I was and what I was here to do. I saw glimpses of a life I desired. The images seeped out into my daily life. I was confused and held self-doubt about what I was capable of. I did not fully believe in myself and consequently I lived in fear and self-doubt.
I was a Black Woman in a male, white Christian society. When I looked in the mirror, a Black Woman was the reflection I saw. I must be wrong if they were right, so there must have been something wrong with me.
That Black Woman, who one Summer decided to sign up for Army R.O.T.C. to prove her worth. If I could do what the white man did, I must be as good as him. I watched one supervisor at work and figured if I dressed like him then I would be a part of the work environment. It did not work; management terminated me from this job. I was a loner, a thinker and a reader, who tried to find out who and what she was.