You Are What You love, Not Who Loves You
#Chronicle the Rise of the BlackWoman
#Building a Cultureof EmPowerment
#Interconnection & Unity
The story I told myself was no one loved me. I cannot recall when this story began. More than likely it was at a time when I was not sure of myself and attributed everything thing that went wrong as my fault. My parents never expressed love or affection. Never felt love or unloved until a Psychology course at eighteen opened my eyes to another view of life. Suddenly I thought something was wrong. I started to look at my life as a problem that needed a solution. This began my quest to discover the secret to life and my happiness.
Pregnancy and abandonment suddenly became an issue at seventeen that needed to be solved. It was as if someone was inside, taking control and I did not know how to respond. I went through the pregenancy detached because three years earlier I sat in my mother’s driveway. I was in a physically abusive relationship with my daughter’s dad. He was arguing with me, what I cannot recall. I feigned as if I was mute and could not answer. I think this was the first time I remember leaving my body. This one incident shaped my life and the life of my daughter. I continued in this abusive relationship until my stepmother Gloria intervened and helped me escape.
Away from this abusive relationship revealed that there was something that I could give all my heart. I loved learning and education and went back to school at nineteen. One day I sat at a red light in my Pinto. The first car I bought with a thousand dollars I had saved. It was like a bolt of lightning had hit me. I had nothing to give my daughter. I would have to leave motherhood to build a life. This was a hard decision, but it was the only one I had. I was a mother; I had a daughter; I needed to provide for. If I had nothing, then I would have nothing to give her.
It is the love I had for my daughter that motivated me to improve my life. Therefore, she would have a mother she could be proud of. Mothers sacrifice so their children can have a better life. I wanted to shield her from the pains of the world, but I did not do a great job. We all make mistakes that we can never take back, but we can atone for the suffering we may have caused.
This unconscious decision at sixteen to leave the pain and suffering of the body shaped my life and the life of my daughter. Only now, I am aware that everything that happened caused me to be the person I am. I am happy with my life and the wonderful experiences. I see where my life is leading me.
My daughter’s life reads like a storybook. She went through life as if an angel was looking after her. She had a few heart breaks, but the good in her life outweighs it all. She is brilliant and a great mother who breast fed all her children. She birthed each child home schools them all. It is funny they all want to be leaders, even though sometimes I want to scream and pull my hair out. It was my life and this is her life. It is the life we share. I can accept the noble and the damaging aspects of it all. As I reach back to the past, I have healed the wounds of my heart. The last thirty-five years has brought wisdom and understanding of the human condition. We all experience pain and suffering. The suffering we can release when we accept that life has a few pit falls.
It is love that heals. It is love that binds and connects. Nothing really separates a mother from her child. The loss I thought I experienced was just deception in a mind trying to explain what was happening in life. I look back at the decisions that shaped my life. There have been suffering and there has been a joy. They are both part of the human experience.